I realized as I was going through some normal chores and routines, which haven't felt anything like normal since Bill died, that it doesn't feel as raw today as it did the last time I checked in on those feelings. I can put dishes away, wash clothes, and sweep floors without feeling the devastation of loss each time I do it. I can change the linens on my new single person's bed without having to sit down and run the pictures in my mind of what the room looked like before. I can take care of myself. Of course, I always knew that; but my self-confidence has taken a bit of a beating the last couple of years. It's a bitch finding out that you can't fix everything, even when you have ardent believers in your abilities.
One of the nice things about taking care of myself is being able to eat what I want to eat when I want to eat it. This morning I created a wonderful omelet with some fresh tomato, cilantro, marjoram (Greek oregano), roasted Anaheim pepper, and a bit of creamy Cana goat cheese. All those lovely colors and flavors! It was a work of art! With a bit of ground sea salt and pepper -- perfection! I really should have taken a picture of it; but I was pretty hungry from all those wonderful aromas, so it didn't last long on the plate.
The other part of taking care of myself right now is protecting myself. I am aware that I am not 100% right now. There are times I feel downright frail with the aches, pains, and fatigue of a beat up old woman. And so I honor that frailty and give myself permission to not do things or go places or even have conversations when I don't feel an energized spirit. I have been around when my ego pushed my body into going going going when it needed rest, and the results are not pretty. I used to do a lot of that as a working wife and mother. I had myself convinced that nobody could do it better than me, so I was the only one who could do it and I had to do it all.
Now I just remind myself that I am on sabbatical and what I am supposed to be doing is healing, not creating stress and illness by going going going doing doing doing. These are hard habits to break, and I know more than a few of you reading this can relate to what I am saying!